5 Tips for Dealing with a Lying Teenager

Dealing with Lying Teenager

If you’re here, you’re probably feeling the sting and frustration of dealing with a lying teenager. Your feelings are valid. Lying is disrespectful, infuriating, and hurtful. And you’re not alone. Every teenager lies, even though they know it’s wrong. What they may not grasp is the damage it does to relationships and how much of a risk it is to their safety.

If you want to be successful at dealing teenage lying and manipulation, it’s important to consider what your end goal is. Do you just want to make sure they know the damage they’ve done or how you feel about it? Do you want to have a more open and honest relationship or are you more interested in getting to the bottom of the current situation? These five tips will help you sort that out and move you and your teen towards a more honest relationship.

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5 tips for dealing with a lying teenager

Five effective tips for dealing with a lying teenager

Tip # 1 – Stay calm.

Lying is usually based in fear. 

Research tells us that if you become threatening, it’ll just reinforce their desire to hide. Intimidation will likely result in their redoubling their efforts to lie better next time.

Dr. Nancy Darling, professor and chair of the psychology department at Oberlin College, has researched teens and honesty for 20 years. In this Great Schools article, Dr. Darling says the key to honesty is, “rule-making plus warmth.” She continues, “They need to respect you and believe you will be warm, accepting, and non-punitive.”

It’s absolutely justifiable to be angry and hurt. But consider what is more important to you. Is it to express your anger or to get to the real issues behind the lying and figure out how to fix them?  

Tip # 2 – Find out what they’re protecting.

Why does my child lie to me?

One of the top reasons teens lie is to protect themselves or someone else. Maybe they are embarrassed or afraid they’ll be rejected. They could be protecting someone else or be afraid of getting into trouble.

For kids who’ve faced trauma, like those in foster care have, lying may have become an instinctual defense mechanism. Most often, children have been literally taught to lie. When you’ve been lied to by people in authority – it creates a sense of mutual distrust. They lose faith in the position they represent.

dealing with lying teenager

In “How to End Lying: The Cliff Notes Version,” child behavior expert, Bryan Post says,“The lies will not stop until the fear subsides.”

We all tell lies

If we’re honest about it, we parents and caregivers lie too, starting when they’re little.

“If you cross your eyes, they’ll get stuck like that.”
“The tooth fairy must’ve had the night off.”
“I’m allergic to whining.”

Some people even lie to try to get their kids to stop lying. As a reader of Parents magazine confessed, ”I tell my son that when he lies a red dot appears on his forehead that only his parents can see. It only goes away when he tells the truth!”

According to the article, Childhood Trauma: How We Learn to Lie, Hide, and Be Inauthentic, “Adults prank or confuse children, or make up stories and justifications. Or lie to them for emotional and social comfort because it’s too painful to talk about certain things. Sometimes children see adults lie to others to get what they want, so they learn to do the same.”

While our white lies may seem trivial and laughable really, they are still lies. When we think we’re being helpful to someone else by hiding our true feelings, it’s lying. Our kids catch on to our lying patterns and follow our examples.  “I’m fine…. I don’t mind… No, you’re not imposing.”

Teens lie for the same reasons we do.

To be polite, to avoid conflict, to save face, and more. Sometimes they like to exaggerate a little to get attention or make a point. Maybe they’re insecure or afraid of what will happen if the truth gets out. Maybe they want privacy.

Tip # 3 – Consider external influences.

Maybe someone has instructed them to lie. Perhaps, they’ve picked it up – copying the behavior they see in someone else. Maybe they need to filter the kinds of peers they are spending time with.

Does your teen have an environment that welcomes honesty, even if it’s uncomfortable?

"Keeping a calm, non-judgmental atmosphere welcomes honesty and openness." #teens #parentingteens Click To Tweet

Be a good example. Be open and honest, even when it’s uncomfortable. Keeping a calm, non-judgmental atmosphere welcomes honesty and openness.

Tip # 4 – Help them to connect with the truth.

The other main cause of lying is wishful thinking. The kid wishes something were true so much so that they actually may start to believe it. They may not even realize they’re lying.

It may also be that the child is stuck in the developmental stage where fantasy & fact are hard to distinguish. While most kids grow out of this around 5 years of age, kids who have faced trauma, such as those who have been in foster care, may still be stuck there.

Place your focus as helping a kid learn how to say things more accurately.

Help them acknowledge their wishes for the best, while also being truthful.

In her blog post, Not Lies: Wishes and Dreams, Donna Bryant Goertz, founder of Austin Montessori School in Austin, Texas, recommends avoiding direct accusations, confrontational questioning, and angry cornering.

Instead she recommends that while “children are still reaching for attachment to the truth” to re-frame what we say in a way that helps a child differentiate between what we wish was true and what actually happened. An example she provides is, “I wish I could say the cat opened the door herself and got away, but what really happened was I was careless and let her get out.”   

Tip # 5 – Reinforce the relationship.   

It’s up to you, as the adult, to lead the way in building a strong and meaningful connection with their teen. Talk with your teen about how much you value them and how important trust is to your relationship.

“The recipe for honesty,” according to the aforementioned Great Schools article, “turns out to be cultivating warm, strong relationships with teens so they respect your rules and value your advice. 

Research suggests that teens lie less when they have this kind of relationship with their parents, in part because they don’t feel like they need to, and in part because they don’t want to risk losing their parents’ trust.”

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Five tips for dealing with a lying teen

Some Final Thoughts on Dealing with a Lying Teenager

Be patient, but don’t be afraid to get help, if needed.

Professional Child Counselor Arleta James of Adoption and Attachment Therapy Partners says honesty is a developmental process and a progression. It takes time.

Is compulsive lying a sign of mental illness?

Not necessarily, but Arleta James also warns, “lying that continues month after month is a sign of a developmental delay or a trauma-related issue. Ongoing crazy whoppers can swallow the happy, peaceful atmosphere of the family! Don’t wait! Instead, lessen your intake of these tall tales by seeking professional help.”

You can find ​trauma-informed, adoption-competent professionals at the Association for the Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children.

For a corresponding Christian perspective on integrity, visit my other blog at  https://www.gentlechristianparenting.com/2019/01/11/integrity-revealed/

​One purpose of this blog is to help parents of teens navigate the challenges of preparing their children to be successful independent adults. The mission of Finally Family Homes is to provide the same kind of support for those teens who don’t have a family or home to help them transition into adulthood.

Did you find these 5 tips for dealing with a lying teenager helpful? You can make a difference by sharing this post! Help us get the word out about aging out foster teens in need.

If you’d like to know more about helping your teen succeed in life, check out:

10 Keys to Success in Life

Time Management 101

How to Set Goals

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Comments

  1. Great post! Point #5 resonates with me. As a retired educator I tried dutifully to work on developing trustworthy relationships with students particularly high school students. This was a critical relationship-building attribute. Thanks!

    1. Thank you Claudio! Yes trust is absolutely critical to trust and a truthful relationship!

  2. Great suggestions!

    1. Thanks Deb! I don’t think they are our natural responses… at least not for me. But in terms of building honesty, they are powerful.

  3. Thanks for your insight. Sometimes I get so exasperated at my sixteen year old and don’t know how to discern truth from fiction.

    1. I hear ya Candice! Lying is so triggering for me.
      The first tip – to stay calm – is probably the most challenging!

  4. Appreciated your article. For while we can feel challenged by teenagers and feel frustrated or threatened by some of the choices they make – I totally agree that it is up to us as the adults to lead the way. And as you share – this includes remaining calm, seeking to discover the truth, try to understand what has cause them to try to hide something, having patience combined with persistence, and building a strong and trusting relationship. As a counsellor and former educator I have also found it to be true that trust, good communication, and respect are part of building a good relationship. Because teenagers seem to be particularly aware and alert to whether they can trust an adult, as adults we need to lead the way with being genuine, authentic, transparent and in having integrity., Our words and actions must match, and be consistent, and we too must accept responsibility when we mess up and make poor choices. Kids watch us and reach conclusions and they quickly assess whether they can trust and respect us. Parenting is so complex isn’t it? It is one of the most sanctifying tasks I have ever undertaken. Thanks for writing about it!

    1. Yes! For me too Anne – parenting is SO sanctifying! And this topic is one of those that draws every bit of that out… my patience, kindness, peace, self-control…
      But, and I may have not emphasized it – as you said – we are to be the example. Telling the white lies & avoiding conflict myself sets a bad example.
      Modeling truthfulness is so key – thank you so much for sharing!

  5. This is great! I’d love to have had this advice in the 1990s when my first teenagers emerged from their pre-teen years. It was trial and error at that point. Not many meaty, helpful, and trustworthy resources then. There’s a lot of wisdom in this post, Christian.

    1. Thanks Melinda!
      I do think there is so much more info out there now for us – helping us to figure out what’s underneath the surface.
      Some of my sweet friends who have gone through foster care have really struggled with lying – they even said they didn’t want to but found themselves lying often. I think the system kind of sets them up that way – and/or the people who abused them. Of course they directly ordered to lie and lied to often.
      Whatever the case, as we have been shown mercy so we ought to show mercy – even though it is so offensive to be lied to.

  6. Christina, this is an amazing post! I am thankful for the links and the wisdom and the resources you’ve provided. Both of our boys lie regularly. We’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it, and honestly? It’s tough. But, I can do more reading with what you’ve provided here. Thank you!

    1. Thank you Jeanne!
      I hope this is helpful.. it’s not a quick fix – but I think the best way to deal with any bad habit or behavior is to pull it out form the roots…. like a weed!

  7. Such a great post, Christina! You are right that lying usually stems from fear. I appreciate the insight. My oldest has just turned 13, and I know we’ll be facing this issue with all our kids.

    1. Thank you Jessica!
      It’s certainly not based on how I do things… ha! Just what I am striving towards.
      Lying happens at all ages- but I think that struggle for independence and privacy, as well as the predilection for risk-taking that happens in the teen years can really amplify it.

  8. Pinned this for later- what a concise and informative post! Wish I had known these things when my kids were younger. Great post!

    1. As Maya Angelou said so beautifully, “I did what I knew. Then when I knew better, I did that.”
      We are all a work in progress 🙂

      1. Christina, I saw your response here with the Maya Angelou quote and want to say “thank you for that.” I felt inept at times when my kids were teens. They are both married with beautiful kids. I have had that feeling, “I wish I had done this or that as the parent of a teen,” but as Maya’s quote comforts us, “you do the best you can until you know better.” This wonderful post helps us to know better.

        1. Thanks Pam. You’re definitely not alone in the “I wish I hads..” there’s a reason they call the first born the “burnt pancake.” I find Maya Angelou’s quote comforting too – very full of grace. 🙂

  9. Christina, thank you for these great tips! Teen lying isn’t yet a problem in our home because our kids aren’t teens yet. However, it’s not that far off, and we deal with lying from time to time with our younger kids. Each of these 5 points are helpful and promote an intentional response instead of a reaction which is one of my goals as a parent. I especially appreciate the consideration of external influences and the importance of asking questions and knowing what our kids are facing and experiencing in daily life as they are influenced by others and the culture. This is sure to help many, including me! Thank you.

    1. You’re welcome! I’m glad you found them helpful, Elaine!
      And yes!! Intentional and prepared parents are better equipped to handle problems like lying when the time arrives!
      I think it can be so critical to be gentle in coaxing out the truth – especially if a predator or someone with ill intent has been coaching a child to lie. It’s imperative that they feel safe.
      There’s so many things behind lying – it’s important to consider more than just the breach of trust and wrongfulness of it.

  10. My kids are still in the toddler/preschooler stages so teen lying isn’t an issue for us at this point, but my oldest has started lying once in awhile, and, honestly, a lot of the tips you share could work (in a modified way) for him! Thanks for this! I’m pinning it for use now AND a few years from now!

    1. Yes! There really is something for every age, even though the article is focused on teens.
      Around 3-6 there is also a developmental stage where kids truly get confused between reality and what they WISH were true.
      In fact.. I’d say in social media that still goes on! Can we say photo filter? 😉

  11. I am so glad you talked about teen lying today. I do not yet have teenagers, but my nephew is living with us permanently and I have been working on him telling the truth. I can use these tips for him even though he is 7. Thank you for covering this topic.

    1. Brittany – I’m happy to hear that these are helpful. It’s definitely some nuanced ideas for dealing with it.
      And it makes sense – he is learning whether he can trust you or not. I hope he feels safe enough to be honest soon!

  12. Any lie, even the smallest ones are sinful in the eyes of God. But major lies from a teen can be hurtful and hard to forget once its out in the open. Rebuilding trust is hard but it’s critical. That’s where forgiveness comes in. Thank God for his forgiveness and for giving us the tools that we need.

    1. Yes!
      Forgiveness is essential. And just because they’ve been forgiven, doesn’t mean they get a clean bill of trust. That’s one of the natural consequences – everything someone who has lied says from then on, is suspect.
      But condemnation does not bring change. Lying is almost always a secondary problem – a cover-up for deeper issues – even from the beginning of time!

  13. Christiana, this is packed full of such wisdom and fresh insight. It makes sense for us to first evaluate what our end goal is. And hopefully it’s to help our teens (and all of us) speak the truth more and more often and let lies eventually die a timely death. Knowing the reasons behind lying such as fear, protecting someone or influences, helps us learn the best way to approach it. It’s just like our kids asking “why?” after we say something or give out a rule we want them to obey. If we explain the why, it sometimes increases the desired behavior or outcome. So if we the the why behind lying, there’s more hope for our tactic to increase the desired behavior and outcome, too.

    1. Thanks Karen!

      I did my research.. It’s definitely not how I naturally respond… more like a goal! LOL. I tend to get real mad.. let them know I’m real made and “how dare they” lie to me… I used to think I could intimidate my kids into being truthful, but I now know that’s not how it works. Usually, intimidated kids just get better at lying 😛

      Plus – the why can be more serious than the lie! Better to get to the why & root it out. 🙂

      Thanks for the encouragement Karen!

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